Distilled Spirit

"Para Qué La Vida" Han pasado quince dias y seis horas desde que te fuistes de mi vida. Lloro por las noches y duermo por el dia, desde que te fuistes de mi vida. Si supieras que sin ti yo no sé ser feliz, si supieras que sin ti yo no sé sobrevivir. Ya nada me importa ni los sueños que parecen una estupidez si no estoy contigo para qué ? Siendo medio loco dando vueltas y te busco y no te puedo ver, Para qué la vida?Para qué ? Para qué la vida... Salgo por la calle, llamo a mis amigos, dicen que te aranque de mi vida. Fui donde el doctor, me dió unos sedativos Pero qué tu quieres que te diga? Que no hay forma, mira no, de romper esta cruz Que por más que quiera, ay Dios, nunca hay nadie como tu. Ya nada me importa, ni los sueños que parecen una estupidez Si no estoy contigo para qué? Siendo medio loco, dando vueltas y te busco y no te puedo ver Para qué la vida? Para qué? Dicen que es una obesesion este que no tiene fin pero es que nadie se compara a ti. Ya nada me importa ni

Prasad's marriage is fixed. Now in the five member team of Alpha i am the only one left out as unmarried. Subair and Gafoor sir is much ahead, they are having kids. They all followed the conventional way of marriage, arranged by the family and from the same caste with all traditional blends. One of my friend was mentioning about 480 grams of Gold he got from the girl's family. I will choose the word dowry for that. Still its prevailing here. But if the system is there or not in India all the family send their daughter with all golden ornaments! Even if we are telling them we don't want any penny, the bride will come covered with gold! I don't like to see the mummified body! Many families are falling down in the financial troubles after marriage of a girl. Among Muslim many boys start their career or business after getting the dowry! People spend Lakhs taking loans and credit. I chosen my own way. I was searching for a lady who was divorced or widow as my life partner. A

Good bye to the lap of mother before tasting the milk Good bye to the finger of Guru before standing Good bye to the happiness of childhood before laughing Good bye to the care of lover before being cared Now good bye to the wonderful life before living worthy

burning sand grains were too sharp piernced on his wounded foot. the makulit child was walking on the desert where see no end. sun rays were pinching on his broken skin and the hot wind roasted his lungs. some where he could see the green to relax and walk again. his eyes were searching all arround, but desert... deserts... only! his shadow of love were spreading softening the hard desert expected soul can be there fallen his shadow will protect her looking back he could see the colors he smiled, wanted to run back And embrace all the colors of life But that became stars on the sky Closing the eyes he walked ahead with a single thought and smiling...

Man is searching his soul, Makulit kid is searching his mom, Father is searching his daughter, Brother is searching his sister, Friend is searching his friend, Ultimately accomplishment... Holding the hands together...

One year over! Feeling lonely. Became a one man show! Krishna... listen to the songs of silence! Makulit kid! Pikon! Walk... You may fall down! But walk... Hot wind is flowing from East. Life is unworthy... God is unworthy... Love is unworthy... Care is unworthy... Dreams are unworthy... This unworthiness was not there before! Human life, how precious! Misinterpretation of religious scriptures making the life unworthy! People, open your eyes. See the bright world. Find the happiness. 211109

Subair came to his home town last week. Today evening have traveled to his place. I was bit unhappy with him since he could not help me regarding the things happened in the last year and this year. I asked him why he did not give money to Dappu. He told me, he called and told Dappu that I told him to give money to Dappu but she told him, she doesn't require money! Oh! I also remember Subair told me the same thing in the last year! Forgotten! Then why Dappu told that I did not help in time? Who's brain is behind the drama? Rein? I don't want to blame Dappu :) 181109

It was there fixed in mind. When I have seen the broken family of father, when i have seen the the in fight, I decided that. Settling up my family some where. And my followers as guiding society. It was perfectly twined in 2006 and 07. But evil hit that. But nobody can changed my determination. I am not here simply choose somebody for the walk on life. I am determined. And I will. 181109

It was the 1st birthday party of Shaiju's first child. He was invited me many times thinking that I may not be there in Bangalore. A small party with few friends. Time was flying I wanted to catch the bus to Kerala. It was about to 9 night. I rushed to Shatinager Bus Terminal hoping that bus will be getting to Coimbatore nearest state to Kerala. City started sleeping. I was tired.Luckilythere was a bus at 11 night. Now 9-10 hours busjourney. Always travelling... always... forgot to live! Life became travelling! Reached Kerala at 8.30 morning. Caught bus to Kullappully then to home town. Reached at 10 am.

Morning 10 to evening 7 I was with CA in Tax offices. For the last two months he was unable to make the get the changed tax returns of 2007-08. Only by bribing it was possible. Since it was two months i almost lost my patience! But today i have gone with him to make it. Before the officer was asking 20% of bribe of total tax payable. Then he raised to 40% then 60% then 80%!!! I kept quiet. Its was the CA's approach made the things like this. I just told if i have to give 80% bribe i dont want it! then i came down to 60%. At last after all struggles i got it! I am very much happy. Now i have to forward this for processing. Happiness!

Days are going. Ita is not contacting. I believe in Supreme power. Praying for her always. This week one day she came online, many hours she was there invisible. But she did not chat with me except a few words. Still she continues that she is liar, not worthy... I just want her presence. She the best person I ever know. She is the best. She knows I need her. But slipping again! It is putting me down. I am like a person without spirit. She knows that, my mind. I have to make it. Going ahead with full faith.

On 31st I fly to Delhi. I planned marketing in Varanasi for 10 days. When I reached Varanasi I found the freelance Executive over there did not do anything for Seminar. I will say it as my mistake, I did not force that person to do that. North Indians need to be forced to do anything. I found he is not ready to call students. I had to start texting students. Third day I fell down with food poisoning. Usually I can eat any kind of food. But this time I don't know what happened. I became so tired. Nobody was there. Body temperature increased. I could not sleep. Morning at around 4'O clock I started vomiting and loose motion. Many time ran to toilet. Nothing was left in body. I felt as if I am going to die. But it was not that much serious like once I faced in Andaman and Nicobar Islands. I sent an email to Dapu. I expected at least in this time she would call me. I wanted her presence. Always I was longing for that. I found she is having a charismatic effect on me. I missed her s

I understood, I loved Dapu only! Abi was right. Remembering you dear. I miss you so much. A song for you.... " Who knows how long I have been waiting for you So why do I still miss you? who knows since when However far you are from me, I am close to you I'm used to living like this by now I don't even have any complaints about my life I'm just alive under the blue sky My love for you is such that it just keeps growing The (imagined) sound of you approaching is such that it torments me My memories of you are so deep that the heart drowns And the hurt becomes tears in my eyes I'm used to living like this by now Those nights are always with me Those talks are always with me I'm used to living like this by now...."

January 2009, I took leave and fly to Kochi. I only saw Abi in photos but it may not be difficult to find out her from the crowd. When I landed in Chennai I have seen the Jet Airways taking off. She must be in that flight. After one hour I reached Kochi airport. I called her, she was sitting in front of the prepaid taxi services. She looks like north east Indian. She was wearing a big sun glass. She waved her hands. After taking the languages I walked towards her. I could see the tiredness in her face. I welcomed her to india by giving a Cadberry's chocolate bar. Cadberry's branded their chocolates in India as a symbol of love, friendship, affection like that. Last evening I could bye that only for her. I wanted to bye one flower but I could not. I thought she might be misunderstanding the flower! There are cultural differences in these kind of formal and informal ways of greetings. We have taken a taxi from Kochi to Kottayam. Only Ambassador cars were available. That is one of

I was thinking about the past. I born and brought up in a middle class family. I struggled a lot to reach this level in my life. Now I am a Marketing Manager of big educational brand, in charge of Bangalore center. 10 years ago I was selling household products to get money for my graduation studies. Work and study it became a life style. Took Masters in Psychology. Unfortunately could not completer research in M.Phil. I have gone to Andaman and Nicobar islands after Tsunami to help people. I was in an educational project. I met Dapu online. The hard way of my life made me to keep distance from enjoying life. I was silent. I was disciplined. I did not go for drinks. I did not mis-utilized the freedom given by God. But now I feel I was so strict to my life and others life. I have forgotten to enjoy life. It may be one of the reason Dapu left me. Pinoys are so westernized. They focus into happiness and enjoyment. And me? Old man! Old monk! Old junk! I was 27 in that time. But beings a 

Christmas day, 2008, I was sitting in my home checking emails. I have seen Abi online. I chatted with her. She wanted to come to India. She is an American Filipina of 31 years old married to an American 63 years old. Since her husband is so abusive she wanted her children to pursue their schooling in India. And she wanted to settle down in Kerala. Her Ilocos blood always made her to search the ancestors from Southern India. Before Spaniards, when Mahapajit and Sri Vijaya Kingdoms were ruling Philippines they were having the mixed culture of Southern Indians and Austronesians. Abi believed in the Indian blood in Filipinos. At last she decided to come and see the 'God's own country' Kerala. I sent email to my missing girl friend, Dapu regarding Abi's visit. I did not get any reply. Dapu was not replying to my emails for few months after she left Dubai. I did not know what is happening. She was in Cebu in June when the typhoon hit the coasted areas of Cebu. I did not know